Date of Entry: January 2nd, 2018Isn't it ironic how we waste so much time worrying about wasting our time?
"Productivity" is a socially-endorsed addiction.
Articles about it litter the face of the internet, and books claiming secrets towards “having it all” line the shelves of bookstores. We expend all of our energy trying to push the limitations of time, that we're in turn exhausting and immersing ourselves in a perpetual state of self-oblivion. The world we live in today is full of opportunities to achieve our goals, and it's tempting to blindly seize every chance we get.
Going into high school, I felt pressured to set "definitive goals," "properly manage my time," and be "productive." School was no longer a pure and virtuous means of learning, and was portrayed in my mind as something much bigger than it really was: the ultimate predeterminant of my future happiness and success.
At one point I used to seek fulfillment in doing one thing after another, feeding my ambition, and filling up my schedule in order to feel like my time was worthy and goal-oriented. I read in the car. Replied emails between classes. Worked on consecutive projects. Time spent indulging every now and then had to be compensated for with work.
For a while, I was unknowingly suffering from a despicable form of greed ... greed for superficial achievements, and the momentary rush of fulfillment it brought. I used popular belief to justify my poor disposition: dwelling on missed opportunities, skimping on sleep, and having an underlying fear of missing out.
Once I actually began achieving such goals, I found myself at a dead end.
What for?
What now?
... I didn’t know.
What many people don't realize is how easy it is to distract ourselves. Though it is easy to pinpoint technological distractions such our smartphones or TVs, we rarely identify work as something potentially distracting. Rather, we indisputably reward it, even if it's meaningless.
For the past few years, I've come to see tremendous value in spending a little time each day doing "nothing", or, in other words, spending time alone, distraction-free, and making sense of my thoughts and experiences.
Breaking free from the continual physical and mental stimulus I subjected myself to allowed my attention to draw inwards, and towards the little subdued voice at the back of my head.
By acknowledging my true values, and learning from my mistakes with hindsight, I've come to let go of the need to set rigid goals and instead, live by a few principles and open my eyes to the much bigger picture. I was able to persuade my subconscious self that it was not the number of credentials that defined who I was as a person — learner, athlete, patron, artist, or writer — but my behavioural conduct and integrity. I then resisted the initial guilt feeling of pursuing "unrecorded" activities during my free time, like reading books I was interested in, drawing, listening to podcasts, or spending more relaxing time with close family and friends. The overall experience was not only fulfilling, but liberating.
We waste our time trying not to waste our time.
We sacrifice our happiness in pursuit of happiness.
We fail ourselves avoiding failure.
All of these inner conflicts arise from a perpetual state of self-oblivion. And although this may sound counterintuitive, doing nothing may serve as an opportunity to obtain some helpful awareness amidst all the obscurity.
It is only through such quiet and meaningful observance, reflection, and contemplation in which I've cultivated a deeper understanding of both myself and the world around me. Doing nothing has become a question of willpower in our anxious, preoccupied ways of life, but proves to be an important enabler in our ability to learn and grow as individuals.
So close your laptop for a moment. Put down your phone.
Stop writing. Checking emails.
Rather, stare out the car window. At your ceiling. At the wall. Or close your eyes altogether.
It does not necessarily take an accredited mindfulness expert to tell you how to touch base with your own thoughts. All it may take sometimes is for you to pause and, for a moment, do nothing in a world that can't stop doing.
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